When I was 15 I went on my first ever date. It was the first time anyone had asked me out, and I was thrilled. The boy in question was in the year above me at school and was part of a cool, edgey, rock-vibe type group of friends. (I obviously pretended initially that this was my scene also, which totally came back to bite me weeks later when he asked where all my (non-existent) Nirvana CDs were!)
We had arranged to meet up after school in our local café and everything was going well. We had a hot chocolate each and conversation was flowing naturally. The boy had a twinkle in his eye and lots of chat. When it came for me to go home, he walked me to the bus stop, where, unfortunately, a group of his rock star lookalike friends were gathered. They gave him sideways looks and knowing glances, their eyes glinted at me, obviously finding it amusing that their friend was on a date
I got on the bus, happy and warmed not only by the hot chocolate but by my date’s good company also. I got home and glanced in the mirror; I felt slightly hot and frazzled… had I let this show to my companion?
I stopped dead. There, abundantly visible on top of my lips, was a full frothy foam moustache, complete with chocolate dusting. It wasn’t just a smudge, it was the chocolate Poirot of moustaches placed on a face now beetroot red with embarrassment.
I felt humiliated, mortified and panic-stricken. How could I face him or his friends EVER again?!! How had my date not told me? How long had it been there? And, oh lord, I had been chatting away to his friends… no wonder they were smirking!!
I very quickly developed a tick of wiping my mouth whenever I felt nervous (this lasted for some years) and it was a long time before I could order cream and chocolate dusting on any hot beverage!
My 15 year old self really was truly horrified by this episode and it got me wondering if my adult self would fare any better.
The thing is, we all have our flaws and we all make mistakes. It is whether we can own them, be proud of them and move on, or whether we hide them away and shy away from the light that threatens to expose our most vulnerable parts.
There is so much power in expressing our vulnerability. Vulnerability shows our greatest strengths not our weaknesses. If we are able to be open about our ‘failures’ without apologising, then this means that we can make real raw connections with people. People feel that they can relate to us and that we are not some unattainable ‘ideal’. When we feel embarrassed or ashamed then we can either hide away, pretending that we live a perfect life and that this one slip of our mask is the most mortifying thing that has ever happened. Or we can be true to ourselves, giggle, brush ourselves off and start again.
Have you ever farted in your yoga class? Then laugh along with the rest of them!
Slipped up in your accounts spreadsheet? Then own your mistake, be honest and move on.
Scraped the next door car whilst reversing out of the child parking bay? Be honest. Get your details out and forgive yourself.
The ultimate test is being able to forgive ourselves these apparent ‘failures’? Be kind, be forgiving, have light-heartedness and humour about it and then… Let. It. All. Go.
My 15 year old self was still wriggling with embarrassment for weeks after this episode. When I did confront my date he admitted he had just thought it was funny and hadn’t known how to tell me. Little wonder the relationship didn’t last very long in the end with a bloke so clearly lacking in backbone!
I would advise that 15 year old me to get up, ring a girl friend to laugh about the situation, and then confront my date and his friends the next day with a smile on my face.
When we reveal our true, often vulnerable, authenticity that is when we can own up to our own truth without shame or judgement, and true connections can be made with other people also.
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